2 primary styles of coping with childhood emotional neglect

Emily Pfannenstiel, LPC, LMHC

In her groundbreaking book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson identifies two primary ways that children cope with emotional neglect from caregivers. They tend to become predominantly internalizing or predominantly externalizing in their thoughts and behaviors.

Internalizers are sensitive, mentally active, and love to learn things. They take it upon themselves to solve their problems through reflection and self-improvement. They strive to develop themselves throughout their lives, and are likely to do so by reading, attending therapy, and seeking other means of healing. Internalizers are often people pleasers. They may run into trouble by being overly self-sacrificing in their relationships, thereby becoming resentful of how much they do for others (i.e., acting as codependents). Still, due to their sensitive temperaments and all their personal improvement work, they are likely to be emotionally mature and to break harmful family cycles of parental emotional immaturity.

Externalizers cope in an apparently opposite manner. They tend to act before they think, often reactively and impulsively. They are not self-reflective, and often project blame onto others or their circumstances rather than taking personal accountability. They rarely learn from their mistakes, and often engage in the same frustrating behaviors again and again. They may self-soothe through harmful activities such as abusing substances, getting entangled in addictive relationships, or other forms of immediate gratification. They tend to have low self-esteem but may project an inflated sense of superiority. They may become dependent on others to solve their problems for them, and they are less likely to do self-improvement work such as going to therapy. Therefore, they are more likely to remain emotionally immature themselves, and to repeat painful family cycles.

With the support of therapy, internalizers can learn to set boundaries, to look outside themselves, and to not always take responsibility for others’ actions or shortcomings. Externalizers can benefit from working to increase self-awareness and accountability, to ultimately take ownership of creating lives that would be fulfilling to them.